“I ate honey, reeling from the the smell of my spiritual decay.”
One would think that someone who has gained insight into the truth of life would immediately strive to follow the path that has been opened up to them in order to acquire the divine life they have recognized. Unfortunately, an awakening soul is often so entangled in material desires—actually in love with them—that its consciousness cannot attain liberation despite its enlightened perspective. In its weaknesses, the person touched by God remains for the time being a lover of death. This circumstance causes many Christians stressful and self-tormenting hours in which they struggle to reach the land of their calling. Here are some texts on this subject, written in despondency and despair, but also in ever-recurring hope and confidence.
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There is no light within me; I am full of anger and aggression. I cannot look to Jesus; I do not want to look to Jesus. I am too proud and stubborn to ask for help. I want to be angry! I wallow in the “freedom” of self-destruction.
This death knows all the entrances to the heart—and there are so many spiritual deaths one can die, so many traps… the serpent, symbol of temptation, shiny black, I see it silently slithering through the soul. It is a master of subtle seduction, of silently setting traps, lurking in secret with the patience of evil. It can take on any
expression, any form, any desire of the material world, any apparent benefit. It disguises its poison as refreshment and its embrace as a place of security. It masterfully sells death as life, an art it has perfected. Closely entwined with her, I dance the shadow dance in the pale glow of my frozen love—and resist with all my strength to leave this place, because here I find supposed support and mistake the fire of physical desires for the light of life.
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In my mind, I bang my head against the wall. Once again, I have suffered a sad defeat in my struggle with base passions—this one battle that I have lost countless times before. My head shatters into a thousand pieces and reveals its contents: despondency, aversion, despair, anger at God for letting me fall so low. My broken brain floats around me as destructive thoughts and finally falls to the ground in shards. But the delusional consciousness stubbornly persists, gathering up the debris and splinters lying on the ground and clothing itself once again with all the transitory desires in order to take on the form of death again as quickly as possible. Tomorrow it will confront me again and lustfully bind me and drag me into the dark caves of my selfishness, my stubbornness, and my pride.
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When physical desire overwhelms me, I can no longer grasp any spiritual thoughts, let alone find refuge in the spiritual world. Then I don’t care about anything anymore, and I compulsively think only in images driven by lust and instinct. However, what follows is not so joyful: in sensual intoxication, the spirit of God has withdrawn, and as a result, the soul once again participates in the death of the flesh. Hours of torment, remorse, and self-accusation follow.
Many seriously striving Christians find it difficult to make progress here. But weakness can lead to progress, for in it one finds God’s infinite love and patience, without any coercion or reproach. At his child’s side, he enters into his deadly passions, shares in his struggles, comforts and uplifts him. This is possible for him because, as a human being, Jesus Christ himself had to live through spiritual weaknesses, which he had taken on in order to use them as an instrument to release his spirit imprisoned in his heart.
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Once again, your grace takes hold of me; you offer me your hand into the swamp of my sinfulness. You step into the stinking mud of my self-love—like a mother wanting to save her sinking child. Thus you open your heart. I despise and insult you, but your loving eyes do not turn away from me. Your heart remains open, even though I throw garbage at it and my sharp, hurtful thoughts dig deep into Your arms and feet and nail You to the cross, my God and Father! And You bleed for me and look at me with unspeakably kind eyes that
say, “I love you, My child, I die for you, My son.”
Thus you bring me out of my grave. Thus you redeem me from death. Thus I awaken in you.
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When walking the spiritual path, relapses are inevitable due to existing weaknesses of the soul. Again and again, one falls from bright realms into the self-righteousness that still exists in dealing with fellow human beings and the associated condemnation and mental punishment.
In these situations, anger and annoyance completely take hold of me, a black cloth covers my heart and envelops it in the hopelessness of willpower bound to self-complacency and self-love; and when a person finds themselves here, they are indebted to the dark forces. Subject to the law of cause and effect, they pay the price of their servitude with the blood of their soul.
Although the Father holds his protective hand over his children, he sometimes allows them to experience the power of darkness—for self-knowledge and so that they may see the diabolical mechanisms at work. Thus,
the imperfection of the child is also placed in perfection. Ultimately, the all-pervading divine principle of life makes every imperfect deed a servant of light and love.
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Due to my extrasensory perception, I feel the words of the spirits of the otherworld that surround us. What we hear is not always pleasant. My self-righteous behavior in certain situations is often met with ridicule and laughter. If I give in to despondency or self-accusation, these emotions are intensified by the lower entities. Then I can only accept and endure the stressful conditions.
The soul cries, breathing becomes difficult. Black storm clouds gather menacingly in the sky. In the storm of despair, the waves of the sea of souls lash wildly about, consciousness becomes a plaything of demonic forces. But now I experience God’s power. Jesus appears that night. He comes toward me on the waves and commands the storm to be silent. Immediately, there is silence. In it, he speaks words of comfort and encouragement. The soul calms down abruptly, the heart breathes light and love. An indescribable feeling of acceptance brings instant liberation.
More and more often, I now receive messages from the light-filled spirit world, receive instructions for the near future, learn what trials lie ahead and what emotional attachments need to be released. Patience and care always resonate in these messages. But I am also reminded of the urgency of time, for it is irretrievably lost.
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There must be complete surrender to the divine will; only then is the world spirit deprived of the right to lay claim to a soul. When God touches a person and brings about awakening, Satan has the prerogative of temptation.
He says, “Today I will bring you down—if I offer you my sweets, you will deny God and follow me!”
In these trials, it can happen that a child of God who has already awakened loses the spiritual life that has been opened up to him. What remains is an egoist addicted to pleasure and recognition, immersed in fears, worries, and self-pity. During these nights of the soul, his weaknesses determine his behavior and sometimes cause him hopelessness and despair. Here, perseverance and faithfulness prove themselves—and here, the decision between life and death is made.
Just as in Jesus Christ the Father (divine love) withdrew on the night before the crucifixion and the Son of Man Jesus had to struggle without divine assistance (alone with the power of his soul) to make the decision to sacrifice himself for love, so must every person who seriously wants to enter into spiritual life achieve the willingness to surrender to divine love in the nightly garden of their soul. This surrender of will is inherent in the victory over the dark forces: Satan must retreat.
And one day, when the soul has been purified and tested in these struggles, the worldly sting will be taken from it. Then it will be allowed to dwell eternally in the house of its heavenly Father.
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The discrepancy between the being one believes oneself to be and the being one actually is affects every human being in search of their true identity and origin. The conflict between earthly and spiritual existence divides their self-confidence and sometimes leads to confusion and uncertainty.
A fundamental question arises again and again and becomes a constant companion: “Who am I really? Is my awakening real?”
Imagination also has the power of reality. But imagination is like a maelstrom, a vortex of infinite possibilities that draws the soul into the flow of manifold spiritual forces that do not always play with open cards. There are many hidden motivations for a spiritual breath here, but only in the recognition of their origin and their purpose does the soul breathe in the light. Which oxygen is life-giving—and which is poisonous and deadly? Can the blind soul in the dungeon of the body even sense divine truth?
I know that lies move insidiously. They have learned this from the patience of love. Thus, the spirit of lies uses and twists everything divine to imitate life. In this way, it offers the fruits of death, attributing vitality to them. If man dares to taste perishable food in the jungle of lostness, he risks becoming a guardian of lies. If he does not dare, he exposes himself to starvation. Therefore, they have only this one choice: to go forward, hoping for salvation in firm faith and trust in the Father’s love and mercy. He will surely reach out his hand to his lost child and lead them into the chamber of his heart, where there is a fire that can illuminate the soul’s darkest abysses and expose lies and death.
Then they will stand naked before each other: Satan, the betrayer of life, and man, betrayed by his falsehood. In this encounter, the Father’s love will finally pierce death—and writhing and thrashing, night will surrender to day. And together, day and night will arise in the light of the spiritual sun, lovely and glorious and radiant, gazing at each other with divine eyes. And a sound will ring out through infinity, proclaiming the invincible power of love.
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