“I have called you by name.
You are Mine!”
Intoxication, violence, and excess
My former life was defined by daily binge drinking, brutal music, and self-destructive sexuality. As a punk, I pierced my ears and cheeks with needles and roamed the streets of Munich in torn clothes. Our clique’s main activity was to get drunk regularly and kill time loitering in parks. Due to a constant lack of money, we stole liquor, cigarettes, and whatever else we needed. To get into rock concerts, we stormed through the hall entrances in a crowd, knocking everything down, and finally disappeared into the throng of people. Because of various offenses such as trespassing, property damage, and assault, the police were our constant companions.
The street gang wasn’t exactly squeamish. Revenge was paramount, which is why there were always violent fights with rival gangs. Sometimes it was decided that not all opponents would attack each other, but that a one-on-one duel would settle disputes or territorial claims. This prevented a horde of madmen from beating each other up. In one such fight, I brutally beat up my opponent, and when he was already lying on the ground bleeding and half unconscious, I continued to hammer him with my fists. If the crowd hadn’t pulled me away, who knows what I would have done in my blind aggression.
But I also got my fair share of beatings. Among the gangs, there was an unwritten law not to use knives in fights. However, blunt weapons were ‘all the rage’ back then. Once, someone unexpectedly hit me with a baseball bat. The effect was enormous, I was completely incapacitated. So the echo of my senseless behavior struck back violently from time to time. But people also liked to brag about their own injuries, not just those they had inflicted on their opponents.
Almost every day, I staggered home from the pubs completely drunk. Additionally clouded by hashish, I once lay down on the tram tracks in a state of complete disorientation, unable to get up. Thank God there were helpful hands on hand to pull me away, because the tram was already approaching. These are just a few examples of my deranged lifestyle at the time; basically, I was in a state of intoxicated incapacity for years.
I was always an outsider at school. Due to a lack of interest, I found it difficult to concentrate, didn’t understand the simplest processes and contexts, and couldn’t remember anything. My poor grades weighed heavily on me because I felt that I wasn’t actually stupid. Eventually, my performance dropped so low that I was expelled from school. After several months of heavy drinking, I began an apprenticeship as a chef, which I completed with a journeyman’s certificate despite my unstable condition.
During my nightly bar crawls, I met my then-wife. She was a waitress in a bar and open to anything. Our marriage led to an almost incessant excess in the jungle of alcohol, drugs, and sadomasochism. My then still hidden extrasensory perceptions had led me, with the onset of puberty, to live out the deprivation of freedom of the soul through incarnation in the body and its spiritual immobility due to my godlessness in physical bondage. Only in bondage and corresponding treatment could I feel myself intensely and achieve sexual satisfaction. I strayed deeper and deeper into the labyrinth of perverse addictions and desires and finally lost myself completely in it.
During those years, I came into contact with expressive poetry that completely captivated me. For moments, it immersed my divided personality in the healing fire of longing for a better world and for a love that could heal hearts rather than destroy them. Following an inner impulse, I began to write poetry. The cries of my soul manifested themselves on paper as if by themselves and gave literary expression to my self-destructive behavior. Above all, demonic thoughts manifested themselves, mocking God and driving me to suicide.
During this creative period, driven by dark forces, I began to sense my clairvoyance for the first time. Light messages now also pushed their way into the opening of consciousness brought about by writing. Beings from brighter spheres made themselves heard—their messages brought about a quiet, hidden awakening.
* * *
The soul awakens
I had started smoking when I was thirteen. This addiction eventually escalated to extremes due to my instability, so that I was consuming up to 50 cigarettes a day. Even when I woke up at night, I would light one up and then fall back asleep in a cloud of smoke. In addition to the alcohol addiction that had already become apparent at a young age, my daily routine was thus severely impaired and determined by my cigarette addiction.
One boozy evening, as I was about to pull a pack out of the vending machine, I suddenly felt a strange sensation in my forehead. It felt like something was pressing directly on my brain. Because of this sensation, I couldn’t insert the coins. I stood there bewildered, wondering what was going on. I raised my arm again, but just before the coin slot, the pressure in my head stopped my hand. Puzzled, I went to the counter to try again after what felt like an eternity of smoking for a few minutes. Unfortunately, I had the same problem as before.
Had someone hypnotized me? Before I drove home drunk, I had to buy cigarettes! An hour without them was a horror scenario, let alone a whole night! I made one last attempt and failed miserably. Then, partly astonished, partly offended (but who could I be offended at?), I made my way home… and didn’t smoke again from the next day onwards. Something incredible had happened: this weakling, who sucked on every cigarette like a baby at its mother’s breast, had suddenly given up one of his most basic necessities of life. But it was about to get even better: wine, beer, and schnapps were my main sustenance, and only after a slight buzz, which helped me to regularly get drunk to the point of no return, did my existence have meaning. But since that touch in my head that evening, I no longer felt the need to drink alcohol. So I ended my drinking career overnight. Strangely enough, I didn’t mind any of this; I had no withdrawal symptoms, nor did I mourn my former cravings.
I had always been fascinated by the supernatural, and now I read more and more literature on the subject. My growing interest in mystical and spiritual nourishment increasingly replaced other self-destructive habits. But not all of them. I was still trapped in the shackles of S&M and the associated unbridled lustfulness, from which there seemed to be no escape.
Almost imperceptibly, but with increasing urgency, I was overcome by a deeply disturbing premonition that led to a kind of shock-induced paralysis: I realized that my life had to lead to sexual abstinence—and would. This was actually unthinkable, because my pronounced addiction had manifested itself most strongly here; since the onset of puberty, the satisfaction of my perverse sexuality had been more important to me than anything else in life. And yet this realization was clear.
Despite all my inner resistance, I actively surrendered to my fate and decided to ignore my bondage to the body more and more often. In order to permanently separate myself from visual temptations, I cut up the tapes of my S&M video cassette collection and threw them in the trash. To toughen up my body and deprive it of any kind of comfort, I slept on the bare floor. My irrepressible penchant for extremes prompted me to deepen this development from then on, meditating daily and living a life of abstinence. So now I was a different person, both outwardly and also a little bit inside. At times, the changes seemed quite strange and unreal to me, but my experience was more real than in my previous state of constant intoxication. Why did I let all this happen? I intuitively felt that it was meant to be, it felt right—everything inside me was pushing for a new life.
Now the time had come to push myself off the throne. The love that I had dragged into the deepest filth all these years opened up and became a source of pain that burned everything in me that belonged to the darkness. The events that followed made my previous development of renunciation seem like a gentle breeze compared to a hurricane:
After the marriage broke down, my heart was shattered by the pain of separation. In the months that followed, I found comfort in brief acquaintances until I finally fell in love again. This woman’s soul was full of grace, and the light of her heart shone through her beautiful eyes. Despite her young age, she radiated wisdom and serenity, and her unbiased love was balm for my broken state. The time we spent together was very intense, and the urge for deviant sexuality temporarily lost its power in the flames of this newfound love. But when I returned from a trip to the USA, my girlfriend was initially unavailable, and I eventually learned that she was back with her former partner. The associated heartbreak came over me suddenly and mercilessly, isolating me ruthlessly from the rest of the world. Nothing gave me stability anymore, nothing gave me satisfaction, nothing gave me joy. Nowhere could I feel myself or reflect. I was dead in a functioning body, a terrible state of loneliness and loss that lasted for many months. In my hopeless despair, I said, “Dear God, if you really exist, show yourself! But I want to know you as you really are. I don’t want to see what people have made of you, but you in truth and sincerity. If that’s not possible, then let’s leave it at that.”
And he showed himself. One evening, the agony of love culminated in a vibration and a burning sensation in my upper body. At first, I felt a tear in my soul, then suddenly it opened wide and a flood of light energy poured out from my innermost being and flowed and flowed and enveloped my whole being, so that I literally dissolved in divine love. Thus God entered my grave to raise me from the dead and accompany me on the narrow path to his heart.
* * *
In the hunger for spiritual nourishment triggered by my first awakening, I devoured everything spiritual that was available. The spectrum ranged from the Bible, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, the writings of Buddha, Lao Tzu and Confucius, the books of the mystics of Sufism, the biographies of Indian yogis, the explanations of enlightened masters, the revelations of modern prophets, to the explanations of mediumistic messengers of cosmic and otherworldly spirituality, which can be easily found in the jungle of esoteric literature. I was a guest at Buddhist centers, attended darshans and lectures by more or less enlightened speakers, took healing seminars, visited Bible study groups and services of Free Christian communities. God had touched and awakened me; but my awakening still lacked unconditional love for him and the security that comes with it, which is why my mind longed for support from outside sources.
I sought to find peace and quiet through all kinds of meditative techniques, but I never really became free of noisy thoughts and worries. Light and love flowed only sparingly, so the hunger of my heart was not really satisfied. Only when I turned more intimately to Jesus Christ and sought to fulfill all my longings in him did I consciously perceive divine care and mercy. This strengthened my spiritual foundation and soon provided a secure footing. The house of my soul was cleared of the various (erroneous) teachings that prevented me from seeing the truth clearly.
Now I was able to enjoy God’s presence and affection from time to time. But basking in spiritual radiance in seclusion and without much resistance harbors a hidden danger, because in spiritual seclusion, initial faith all too easily drifts into exaltation and unfitness for life.
This is because worldly consciousness is incompatible with the awakening of the spirit of God. The self-love that reigns in and from the hidden corners of the soul does not allow for lasting devotion to the divine way of life. Sustainability requires counterforces and obstacles. In the serious struggle for and in the service of love in our dealings with our fellow human beings in the challenges of everyday life, as well as in the daily self-conquest of innate and acquired faults and weaknesses, the gifts of God that lie latent in the soul are integrated. Only here and now does true faith prove itself, in which the earthly and spiritual aspects of human existence steadily move closer together to finally form a harmonious unity.
* * *
Those who are awakening think they have already reached their goal, because they do not yet see the many hidden infirmities and diseases of their hearts. Often it takes years and decades for spiritual operations and the subsequent recovery periods. So a time of transformation followed for me as well.
To this end, the well-disguised abysses of the soul necessarily opened up again and again, causing my former addictions and passions to flare up and set me ablaze in self-destruction. Phases of inner turmoil, in which I denied God and fell back into old behaviors, often lasted weeks and months. For as long as pride and stubbornness go hand in hand, one constantly builds new obstacles that the heavenly Father has already removed and that one now apparently has to overcome oneself. Thus, in a crisis of faith, I started smoking again, and it took arduous struggles before I was able to overcome this vice once more. Even when my spiritual eyes were already open, I still had the ignorance and arrogance not to follow my destiny, but above all to satisfy physical desires and deny my true identity. Nor did I always believe firmly and unwaveringly that God would not let go of a child He had touched and would stand by him in all his struggles to awaken. But as he repeatedly filled me with his presence and let me feel the care of his fatherly love, I gained increasing confidence and made a serious effort to let go of further obstructive behaviors in order to follow his call. Yes, it was only when I looked into his heart that the urgently needed healing began. Now my artistic work was also accompanied by good spirits, and words filled with light and love came to the surface. This writing led me into previously unimagined realms of consciousness and gave me a completely new insight and perception of spiritual conditions. I never knew before what would be revealed through the pen in my hand and was always amazed at the child of light born into the garment of language. It is still the same today, but these are no longer interpretable poems, but clear messages from the world beyond.
What I had asked for years ago in gloom and despair became reality despite all opposition. God brought my life, which had completely gone off track, back on course. He gave me back my true identity; he gave himself back to me. A long journey lies behind me. Having finally arrived, my divine destiny is unfolding. I am becoming who I am.
* * *
A few years ago, I started running. As a marathon runner, you often find yourself in situations where you can’t go on any longer. Your body hurts and sends clear signals to stop. You run on willpower alone, pushing through the pain. Not giving up is the top priority—you have a goal, you’re not running for nothing. With positive motivation, you surpass yourself; you achieve things that would never be possible with resignation or a negative attitude.
Sometimes you orient yourself towards the other runners and let yourself be carried along for a while; it’s easier to run in a group, but everyone has to fight for themselves. As the race progresses, the finish line gets closer and closer – and if you pace yourself well, you maintain a balance between energy expended and energy remaining . At the end, you mobilize all your strength once more and sprint to the finish line. Exhausted, you gasp for breath, but the joy of knowing you have succeeded overrides your exhaustion. It gives you a deep sense of satisfaction to have conquered your body, overcome your weaknesses, and achieved your goal.
The spiritual path is very much like running a marathon: the flow when everything seems to be going smoothly, the dead point where you don’t know if and how to continue, weakness and agonizing distress, overwhelming feelings of happiness and euphoria, the group dynamic—all the ups and downs of a run are attributes of the path of faith. The finish line corresponds to arriving in the heavenly home. All who set out on the path with sincerity and purpose will eventually reach this destination, whether fast or slow, young or old, fresh or exhausted, sooner or later. All participants are joyfully awaited by the Father and the children of God who have already arrived.
But one must inquire where the right race is taking place (seek the truth in Jesus Christ), register (ask for divine grace and guidance), go to the starting line (reveal the necessary sincerity to God through sincerity and devotion), and, when the starting signal is given, start running.
* * *
In my newly learned profession, I care for and look after severely disabled people. One man, whom I have grown very fond of, has had polio since the age of six. He is almost completely immobile and is on a ventilator
. Although he was predicted to have a low life expectancy of no more than 30 years, thanks to his faith and the resulting life-affirming attitude, he is now in his mid-60s and leads a contented and grateful life. Nursing teaches me humility, devotion, and patience, allowing the spirit of God hidden in my heart to unfold . While practicing, I am usually accompanied and lovingly supported by angels. Star souls preparing for incarnation on Earth are also sometimes spiritually present and watch this service to others with interest. I am always overcome with great joy in the community of spirits with whom I communicate warmly.
The physical disabilities of the people I serve show me my condition of my soul. For despite the opening and beginning unfolding of God-given talents and the associated progressive awakening, my soul is still paralyzed. Symbolically, it sits in a wheelchair or lies on a sickbed and is pushed into various spiritual realms by its caregivers from the beyond. Day and night, it is ventilated with love, fed with heavenly nourishment, washed and cleansed with divine light – and is thus well cared for in every way. My faith is not yet strong enough for Jesus’ words, “Get up and walk!” to unfold their healing power. But that day will come, and I will rise from my sickbed completely healed and fulfill the destiny for which I was intended in unnameable times in the bosom of the Godhead.
* * *
Being initiated into the mysteries of life and recognizing the true meaning of one’s existence entails great responsibility. The significance of this initiation becomes increasingly apparent as one progresses spiritually. Only at the side of the heavenly Father can the soul withstand the now intensifying opposing forces in order to surrender itself completely to divine love.
A gift of awakening was and is the vision of my spiritual identity. Eons ago, I was created in view of the time of transformation, to serve God here and now. Before my “descent” into the world of transience, I was once again made aware of the dangers one is exposed to on this earth. The Father showed me the possibility of being lost through addiction to material well-being with all its pleasures and apparent securities. I saw and see that matter attracts us like a magnet, that love for it binds us and does not release us even beyond death through the earthly desires and passions that are firmly interwoven with the soul. And I saw and see that love for God is the only way back to the freedom of the spirit.
I remember that I wanted to leave at all costs in order to fulfill a divine mission in this time of change, and that for the sake of love I was willing to endure all the hardships I encountered on earth. I remember my confidence in success, I remember my willingness to live and die for love at all times. And I remember the heartfelt farewell to my brothers and sisters – and Jesus’ embrace.
But it is not only my pre-birth existence that is present. With the tasks ahead clearly in mind, I see and walk confidently into the future at the side of my heavenly Father. Knowing that I am completely safe with and in him is a wonderful feeling. My soul grows brighter day by day, the divine light of love permeates and disempowers spiritual death. By God’s grace, I am introduced to the mysteries of life – hidden from the big world, given to the little child.
* * *
There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus Christ is the Creator and God whom we can see and touch. Ever since the beginning of my awakening, I have felt deeply connected to him. The feeling that it is an “old” love, to express it in earthly terms, becomes ever more intense. I always feel Jesus’ warm-hearted openness, full of expectation that I will return his affection. Then it feels as if two close friends are meeting again after a long time. One is immediately one again, and deep joy fills the encounter with fulfillment. This heavenly togetherness gives one a completely new awareness of values. Only in the free love of the heart does one experience God as Father; only in unconditional devotion to a caring Father in Heaven, who loves his children more than his own life, does man experience what it means to be a child of God.
* * *
In earthly existence, one is subject to weaknesses and inadequacies; in divine existence, one acts perfectly. Overcoming this discrepancy and gradually allowing the egoistic forces of will to enter into the will of God, in order to ultimately be reborn in it, is the primary task of every human being.
In the case of souls bound by a mission, the door to the heart must sometimes be opened by force in order to ensure that they fulfill their calling. Then the Spirit of God is immediately present—and demands complete dedication in order to be able to work through the soul entrusted to it in a timely and comprehensive manner.
I, too, was forcibly torn from worldly existence, and it took great effort and patience on the part of helpers from the beyond to keep me on the divine path. The recurring ups and downs in the process of spiritual maturation kept me silent so that I would not prematurely convey spiritual knowledge mixed with my own views and thus distorted. But now it is time to take up the end-time calling. Even though many of the divine talents that have already been opened still need to be realized, spiritual seeing and hearing have progressed to the point where they can be revealed.
As an inhabitant of the divine heart, I am a messenger and bearer of its innermost love. From this, I tell every human being that the heavenly Father wants to save every soul, no matter how deeply fallen, and can do so, regardless of the condition it finds itself in . Furthermore, my task is to show truth to spiritual seekers of all orientations and members of different religions. Many children of God have lost their way in false teachings that are far removed from Christ and cannot find their true identity. Here, the Father will awaken sleeping brothers and sisters and strengthen those who are struggling. Whether called or chosen, every seriously striving believer will find in the messages the information necessary to shape their existence in the love of God and thereby attain freedom of spirit.
My main task is to point out the spiritual aberration of mankind and to reveal the apocalyptic consequences that await us if we continue in our sinful behavior. In this sense, I serve the prophetic spirit, which is the spirit of the voice crying in the wilderness, which is the spirit that always prepares the way for the Lord.
I see clearly and distinctly the purpose and goal of my earthly existence until the year in which I will leave my body. Before that, however, there will come an hour when death will crucify me with all the power of its terror, but the presence of God will disarm it as a testimony to the power and glory of life in Jesus Christ.
* * *